Scary Thoughts

When we actually go through these experiences ourselves, it can look very different from what we expected. Sometimes conception isn’t easy and our journey to motherhood looks entirely different from what we dreamed. There can be complications in pregnancy and birth that absolutely derail our hopes and plans. We might experience traumatic births that leave us wondering if we could ever go through it again. We can experience infertility that means we may not be able to conceive or give birth at all. Then, after going through all of that, early parenthood isn’t always the blissful, loving time we anticipated either. It can be dark (literally if your baby is light sensitive), smelly, exhausting, even triggering. Our relationships with partners, family, and friends can become strained. We might not have time to sleep, shower or even eat a warm meal for months. 

It’s no wonder that at least 1 in 5 new parents struggle with symptoms of postpartum anxiety and/or mood disorders (PSI, 2025). What might come as a surprise is how common it is to experience intrusive thoughts. It shocked me to learn that over 90% of parents struggle with scary thoughts. 

Scary thoughts are sudden, distressing, intrusive and unwanted thoughts related to your baby (Kleiman, 2019). Scary thoughts can include intrusive images of harm befalling your baby, of you harming your baby accidentally or intentionally, scary thoughts can even be sexual in nature. Scary thoughts are alarming and distressing and generally incompatible with who we are and the parents we want to be. It can feel…well…scary! But that’s all it is, a scary thought. These thoughts do not mean you are a bad parent. They mean you're a parent, afterall, virtually every parent on the planet has thoughts like these from time to time.

So why are people not talking about this?

Okay, I have seen more people talking about this on social media, but you might not be seeing posts like these until you’ve already been worried for a long time, if you see them at all. Thank you algorithms! 

There is a long, long tradition of new moms hiding problems and suffering silently because women are often raised to believe that being a mom is the highest honour you can be awarded. Women and girls receive messages that they should A) cherish this time because they will never get it back, B) be grateful because a lot of people that want babies can’t have them, C) hundreds of thousands of women do this everyday so it shouldn’t be that hard, D) admitting that they are struggling could result in their baby being taken away from them or people perceiving them as a bad mom, and E, F G, …Z (Kleiman, et al., 2021). In short, there are a lot of reasons why moms are afraid to talk about the struggles that are all too common in pregnancy, postpartum, and parenthood. 

If you have these worries, you are NOT alone. 

Scary Thoughts New Parents Often Have:

• “What if I drop the baby.?

• “I can’t go out with my baby, what if something bad happens?”

• “I don’t want anyone to touch my baby, what if my baby gets sick?”

• “What if I drop a knife and the baby gets cut?”

• “Is my baby breathing? What if they stop breathing while they sleep?”

• “What if I press too hard on the soft spot on my baby’s head and it hurts them? What if it breaks my baby’s skull?”

• “What if I drive off the road with my baby in the car?”

• “The babies limbs could be pulled right off!”

• “When I breastfeed, sometimes I feel aroused, is that bad?”

• “I don’t want to look at my baby’s penis, what if I molest my baby?”

• Having a sudden image of your baby drowning, of smothering your baby, or intentionally dropping or throwing your baby.

• …the list goes on! 

Adapted from Kleiman et al. (2021). 

When to get help:

• When the thoughts cause you distress that is hard to ignore or move on from.

• When you don't feel like yourself and you wonder if it might be more than adjusting to the changes of pregnancy or caring for a child. 

• When you experience worry, low mood, tearfulness, numbness or anything else that concerns you beyond 3 weeks postpartum. 

• When you have thoughts that your baby would be better off without you.

• When you feel like you aren’t able to take care of your own needs. 

• When you have thoughts that cause you to repeatedly complete actions like checking baby's breathing frequently, checking that the doors are locked multiple times before being able to rest, asking for reassurance from the people around you constantly, or needing to sanitize bottles many times before they feel clean even though you know that logically they are clean. These thoughts can be related to specific anxiety-related disorders that are completely treatable.

If any of this sounds familiar, reach out and speak with someone who knows how to help. These thoughts and behaviours can be normal but they can also be highly distressing and they are treatable. A professional can help support you so you can get relief and move forward. 

References

Kleiman, K. (2019). Good moms have scary thoughts: A healing guide to the secret fears of new mothers (M. McIntyre, Illus.). Familius.

Kleiman, K., Wenzel, A., Waller, H., & Adler Mandel, A. (2021). Dropping the baby and other scary thoughts: Breaking the cycle of unwanted thoughts in parenthood (2nd ed.). Routledge. 

Postpartum Support International. (2025). Resources for you. Retrieved May 24, 2025, from https://postpartum.net/get-help/for-you/